You’ve got nuttin’ on me and I’ve got nuttin’ on you…

     What the hell did Reese do to make that amazing candy peanut butter? That shit is fuckin’ awesome man!

I often wonder what percentage of women take massive shits and then sportfully talk about it like men. “Hey Cindy…I just took a dump the size of Shaq’s penis! It was gross! It came out of my ass all smooth like…and I just took it like a champ and said ‘IS THAT ALL YOU GOT SHAQ?’ HARDER! HARDER! HARDER!

Why is a rainbow one of the universal sign’s for homosexuality? I mean…I kinda get it…its all colorful and curved and gay-lookin’…but rainbow’s are also pretty cool when you see one. I don’t see a rainbow while I’m driving my car and look at it and say to myself, “Ha…fuckin’ QUEERS are at it again!” If anything I’m thinking that I wish I had some skittles. Or perhaps I big giant black dildo.

I wish drinking to excess was considered an admirable trait. If it were, I’d totally be that guy in a dumpster with 3 empty bottles of Glenmore next to my piss-soaked, vomit-covered trenchcoat. I’d ask for spare change only because I was admirrable and it would be a sin to refuse.  The change would totally go to some worthy cause, like, strippers-on-a-Sunday or something sweet and classy like that.

Fuck the word vacuum. Those two “U’s” suck my balls. 

I read another article today about more Mattel Toys © being recalled. I love them. They’re trying to kill stupid faggy kids. Gotta love it! One less shitty kid is another reason to get up in the morning. Cheers Mattel! I’ll drink to your obsessed, baby-killing, terrible-two’s murdering, infant-choking, faggit-kid slaying naturalistic ways. Just one more thing…make sure Wal-Mart™ gets all of the recalls…those kids REALLY suck.

Q: What’s brown, purple, red and smelly, and in my basement?  

A:  A bag of blended dicks.

If any Ninja-Turtle turned out to be a fag, I bet it would be Donatello. That name just sounds too gay to be a Ninja. Plus he wore all that purple and stuff. I wonder who decided to have a purple ninja? I mean they got orange, blue, red and purple. Why the fuck didn’t they use Brown instead of purple? Or White? White is pretty bad-ass for a ninja. What’s with the fuckin’ bow-staff as well? That’s the totally gayest weapon ever. If I was given that piece of shit for a weapon, I’d be all like…”Man fuck yo’ momma…give me tha muthafuckin’ mini-swords or a gun or some shit. Fuck this bow-staff. What am I gonna do? Go whack some Grandma’s? I wanna cut NIGGAZ UP!”

I wonder sometimes how often a time machine would be used by someone to go back one day and prevent themselves from getting an STD. I bet it would happen a LOT! There are a lot of sexually transmitted diseases. What does that say about God? He made us to fuck. Now that we’re fucking we’re supposed to die? I bet god didn’t wear no fucking latex glove around his penis. HA! Take that Jesus!

Pizza-pockets are great. They’re great when the sauce from the inside doesn’t squirt into the tender, warm, soft recesses of one’s mouth and cause 3rd degree burns that look like cancer sores. When that happens…it’s painful AND gross!

Is Stephen Hawking too smart to die? It seems to me that he’s just like…”Fuck you Lou Gherig’s Disease. I’m Stephen Hawking. You can’t defeat me. My brain is massive. Bleep! Blarrrp! Black holes!

This has been “One giant step for Man and one giant pre-ejaculation for Mankind.”

                                                                                            THE END…

I feel like being random…

Isn’t this picture fuckin’ awesome?!? 

I just felt like posting a really random article. As I sit here at work hungover, tired and full of super-duper, fun brain-juice I’ll let the shit fly.

You ever wonder why they don’t make toothpaste in really cool flavors like Jelly Belly’s©? How sweet would Krispy Kreme© toothpaste be. Or perhaps chili-cheese dog paste. Abortion paste.

Those people with those speech-impediments where they slur their “R’s” are pretty funny.

Coffee is much better with cream and sugar. How can anyone drink that black-tar-baby syrup without the refined sugar and 1/2 & 1/2 love juice? I would prefer it if I could just get some fresh tit-milk everytime I bought some coffee. “Just squeeze it into the ol’ cup-a-roo.” I’d say.  That would be fuckin’ great.  Tits are pretty amazing. Coffee, tits and tit-milk would be even more amazing! SQUISH! SQUISH!

People that just stare and don’t mutter any kind of response to a greeting or salutation are realling scary. Working in retail, I encounter this quite frequently, more so than you would imagine. There are times when I’ll check someone out and they don’t say a word. Not a single fuckin’ word. “Hello how are you?” “Here you go. Here’s your receipt. You have a great day!” ….nothin…. These people probably go home, take off their pants, and jerk it to infant porn while listening to Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” in the background.

I like popped-collars about as much as I like drinking spoiled milk from a hooker’s asshole.

I really wish there was a good competitor to Hershey’s© chocolate. Sure, there are some. Like Cadberry©, but fuck them. They don’t have theme parks.

‘Zero’ is the best number. It means nothing. Nothing is great. It can’t be good, or bad. It’s just nothing. I wanna name my kid ‘Zero’. That would be awesome. If the kid turned out to be a faliure all I’d have to say is, “Eh…what do you expect? His fuckin’ name is ‘Zero’.” Kids would also probably torment him and call him something like, “Zoro-Zero,” or “Zero the Fag-Hero.” Actually, I would probably laugh at my own kid if someone called him that.

A friend introduced me to the following video…

These guys make the “Village People” look like pedofiles. 

And the person that took this video is a pedofile…

Anybody who is obsessed with a sport so much, as to put a tattoo of their favorite team on their arm, should die. They pretty much suck at life anyway i’m sure. Them getting hit by a bus, like in that movie “Final Destination 2” would be pretty hysterical.

When my stomach growls sometimes I think it’s telling me i’m hungry. Other times I think it’s telling me that I drink too much. I’d like to think that it’s just the shrunken Dennis Quaid and his spaceship from the movie “Inner Space” slicing my stomach lining trying to find a way out.

Pizza is the only food I think I could eat every single day of my life and not wanna throw up. Chinese is not.

Fuck China. Fuck Wal-Mart.